Category Archives: Dispatches From the Front

Happenings from my real life. Newsworthy and noteworthy.

Still settling in

Unpacking. Still. Also trying to discern if we really did stumble upon a very small and as yet undiscovered black hole en route, or if the still-MIA sundries are tucked away in some unlikely and improperly labeled box.

“Have you seen…?” has been a constant refrain ’round these parts, along with lots of mild cursing. But then we find ourselves marveling at the fantastic weather on our fantastic box repository back deck, and it all seems very worthwhile.

If you have ever moved across the country, you know how this goes.

Please enjoy this, which has been stuck in my head since the Texas panhandle (along with Nanci’s cheerful voice chirping, “Nobody likes to be too close to Lubbock!” from some live album or another):

And, if you’re still unsatisfied by your visit here today, read this, which captivated me somewhere in East Tennessee (thank you, public radio!):

Ode to the Yard Sale
by Gary Soto

A toaster,
A plate
Of pennies,
A plastic rose
Staring up
To the sky.
It’s Saturday
And two friends,
Merchants of
The salvageable heart,
Are throwing
Things onto
The front lawn –
A couch, a beanbag,
A table to clip
Poodles on,
Drawers of
Potato mashers,
Spoons, knives
That signaled
To the moon
For help.
Rent is due
It’s somewhere
On the lawn,
Somewhere among
The shirts we’ve
Looked good in,
Taken off before
We snuggled up
To breasts
That almost made
Us gods.
It’ll be a good
Day, because
There’s much
To sell,
And the pitcher
Of water
Blue in the shade,
Clear in the
Light, with
The much-handled
Scotch the color
Of leaves
Falling at our
Shoes, will
Get us through
The afternoon
Rush of old
Ladies, young women
On their way
To becoming nurses,
Bachelors of
The twice-dipped
Tea bag. It’s an eager day:
Wind in the trees,
Laughter of
Children behind
Fences. Surely
People will arrive
With handbags
And wallets,
To open up coffee
Pots and look
In, weigh pans
In each hand,
And prop hats
On their heads
And ask, “How do
I look?” (foolish
To most,
Beautiful to us).
And so they
Come, poking
At the clothes,
Lifting salt
And pepper shakers
For their tiny music,
Thumbing through
Old magazines
For someone
They know,
As we sit with
Our drinks
And grow sad
That the ashtray
Has been sold,
A lamp, a pillow,
The fry pans
That were action
Packed when
We cooked, those things
We threw so much
Love on, day
After day,
Sure they would mean something
When it came
To this.

It’s a little more than just ambulance driving

Moving 1600 miles from all established networks and contacts means finding a job the old-fashioned way: yanking up on those bootstraps, pounding the ole pavement, gladhanding and smalltalking, and basically > insert the hard-working cliche of your choice here< .

It is not a prospect I relish.

I have certain licensure-related concerns that will delay the entire process (the North Carolina Office of EMS recognizes my National Registry Paramedic credentials, so they basically just have to cash my check and give my paperwork their blessing… however, they may take up to sixty days to do so, and I can’t even apply for most field positions until that’s done). Though expected and planned for, this adds to my stress. Even though I can’t put in for them yet, I’ve been keeping an eye on the job prospects, watching hopefully for some trend that might signal that my dream job will open up just as the ink dries on my NC license. I can play the optimist, from time to time.

Ideally, I’d love to work part-time in town (Single-tier system? No Systems Status Management? Broader protocols than Albuquerque? Yes, please!) and part-time for a rural service, for the special experience that each would provide. Of course, teaching wouldn’t be amiss, nor would some wilderness employment a la NOLS or Landmark. These are all viable possibilities, should the stars align properly. Truly, I won’t complain if I need to wait tables or answer phones or clean houses for a time while something opens up–I’m moving to where I want to be, and everything else will line up as it should. I feel this truth in my bones.

And yet, it’s a bit hard to swallow when opportunities close off before they’re even open. I spotted this job posting today, and have been irked to no end ever since.

EMS is a relatively young field, it’s true. We haven’t yet established a cohesive national identity, and, as such, we as professionals haven’t attained the level of recognition, respect, compensation, and professional consideration that we would otherwise have. There is much work to be done, and it must be done from within the field. We can’t expect someone else to kiss our boo-boos and stand us up straight.

That being said, I would expect an institution that educates EMS professionals to be sensitive to our particular position within the larger field of medicine, and do what it can to bolster it, not prevent Paramedics from receiving their education from actual EMS professionals. AB Tech’s Paramedic program (the only one I’ve been able to locate in the entire Asheville area), doesn’t want Paramedics as instructors. They want nurses with only “basic knowledge” of the very profession they will be asked to teach.

Being an RN in a hospital setting is certainly valuable work, but it bears absolutely no resemblance to operating as a Paramedic in the field. I would not presume to know the nuances of an RN’s job; it rankles that this college takes it for granted that an RN can know the nuances of mine. It’s insulting to my profession; it prevents good Paramedics from passing along their skills, knowledge, and bedside manner; and it needlessly perpetuates the tired Paramedic-vs-Nurse paradigm.

I don’t know if they’ll give my application a second glance, but it’s on its way. I like my job. I’m good at it. I’m inspired enough by the work that I keep buying textbooks, keep reading blogs, keep researching, just to learn more. I’ve mentored in the field and taught in the classroom, and I like how that keeps me on my toes and banishes pessimism. I’m nowhere near done with EMS, and it’s not done with me.

Bang your head against enough walls and you eventually see stars. Whether that’s because you’ve finally broken through or because you’ve given yourself a concussion, I’m not sure. But I’ll continue the investigation and let you know.

With a little help from my friends

The word friend has always been just a little fraught, for me. It wasn’t a label I’d hang on just anyone; calling you my friend meant more. I ran into trouble in that vast grey area between friend and acquaintance, since there weren’t really any good words for the occupiers of that territory. It led to all manner of overly wordy descriptions, full of qualifiers and clarifications. Fortunately, I pretty much only ever voiced these descriptions to myself, or I may have driven off more almost-friends than I kept.

I’ve relaxed, at least a little bit, but friend remains an important moniker.

We had our going-away party a few nights ago, and enjoyed a pretty good turnout. So many of these folks we knew only from one specific sphere of our lives, but it turns out–Albuquerque being the quasi-small town that it is–that many of them already knew each other. This, thankfully, relieved both of us of the burden of playing host and allowed us to spend time with our friends, many of them for the last time.

I once took a certain satisfaction in PARTYING, in going full-tilt at one of those gatherings where the music is loud and the people singing along are even louder, someone is eventually rendered unconscious through injury or intoxication (or both), and something large and/or expensive gets broken. Now, I much prefer the sort of stately, grown-up parties in which we float two kegs but no one vomits anywhere, the police are never called, and the clean-up is manageable. This was one of those parties. Conversation and not antics was the order of the night. Looking around the house at one point, I felt truly, deeply satisfied to be keeping company with such people.

It’s a pretty special feeling to realize that people you admire and respect and freely and affectionately call friend genuinely like you back. (Yes–life really is high school writ large, and even the most confident of us still drag around a nagging tendency toward insecurity, like toilet paper stuck to the heel of our shoe.) In much the same way that you can infer a lot about a person by looking at what they read and where they prefer to travel and how they talk to strangers, you can tell a lot about someone by knowing who they choose to spend time with.

Of course, that’s a pretty self-serving statement, because, looking around our party at those friends who came by to say one last goodbye, I felt like we were pretty damn cool people. Our friends are smart and funny and opinionated and well-read and articulate and progressive, and I know I could call any one of them in one of those dead-of-night, pouring-rain, rabid-dog emergencies and they would do what they could to help. I spent a large portion of my life afraid to call anyone for help lest I inconvenience them, so that’s a good feeling.

In less than a week, we’ll be driving away from this place for the last time. I’ll be crying for two things: the land,

and these friends. My time in the high desert has been formative and transformative, surprising and indelible and unexpectedly one of the best things I could have done with my life. I never planned to be here this long; I never planned to love it like I have. The open vistas and blue skies and vast vast mountains were enough to feed my soul; the fact that I’ve met and come to know and love so many fascinating people was the giant sweet red cherry on top of that sundae.

Thanks, friends.

Night brain

Nighttime is not when I’m at my writerly best. I’m too sleepy, or too distracted, too prone to the maudlin or ponderous navel-gazing–not good news for readers. I work in fits and starts, each fit and each start more stuttering-slow than the one that came before. It’s as if my brain picks up road-dust and trail-dirt all day long, and needs some quiet, powered-down time before bed to knock it all off. Too much day-residue in my synapses to get anything worth reading written. Night brain is a crippling condition for the writer.

So, while I wanted to tell you about this incredible film, or share a few more thoughts about this surreal state of unemployment-limbo, or tell you about my first homemade carne adovada, all of that will have to wait for morning brain. Night brain says, enjoy the Perseids, and have another moving song instead:

Old, schmold

I’m not old.

Really, I’m not. Okay, so I’m a veritable crone by paleolithic standards, but in this lifetime, I’ve barely shaken off my zygote goo and begun to figure out this whole adulthood thing. So it seems a little unfair that my body is already starting to nudge me in the direction of decrepitude.

I hurt myself bowling. Bowling! The sport of The Dude, undertaken by children and adults alike, frequently under a haze of black light and 80′s music.


It’s a simple exercise in physics, with an entertaining finish and a side of chili cheese fries and cheap beer. It isn’t exactly BASE jumping. I didn’t expect I’d need a medical team on standby.

We went to spend some quality time with our friends and their awesome kid (side note: Have you ever watched someone track stand at a red light with 40+ pounds of smiling toddler and pack strapped to his back? It is a sight to behold.) As usual, I attempted the lunge / leg sweep / graceful ball delivery thing that looks so easy when other people do it. And, as usual, my ball sounded like it had cratered the lane every time it left my hand, and only sheer dumb luck put it in contact with pins.

It’s something about that damn lunge. More than ten days later, I was still doing my best old man impersonation (“Argh, my hip!”) and wondering how a lunge could go so wrong. Then–for added fun discomfort and because we sometimes forget the meaning of the word moderation–we set out on a joint-torturing little adventure, one of the last Fun Things before life becomes nothing but pack pack pack.

As it turns out, sore hip + 25 pound pack + 3,100 feet elevation gain in 7 miles over shifting, knife-edged limestone scree = more old man impersonations, but with four-letter words now for color.

It’s official: I’m no longer allowed to plunge headlong into the escapades of my youth, not if I want to be able to walk without pain the next day.

Mostly this aging stuff has been amusing to me, because it hasn’t really altered how I live my life. Grey hairs and face creases never changed how my body worked or limited the things it could do. The aesthetics of aging aren’t really a concern.

But this business about bowling hurting and trails hurting? None too happy about it. My body is still plenty capable; it’s my mind that needs a little adjustment. The lesson?

Bite off a little less; chew more.
Savor just the same.

And did I forget to mention…

…the unemployed also go off-grid during transition periods. We’re completing what I call our Farewell Tour of New Mexico before we have to get down to packing. Back in a few days, grimy, trail-weary, and happy.

Unemployment: The First 20 Hours

It was only yesterday evening that I clocked out for the last time, and already I’ve learned a few things:

The unemployed are a weepy lot. When emptying one’s locker and saying goodbye to coworkers, it’s not the thousand daily infuriations (neology, baby!) that come to mind. One does not enact that recurring fantasy about flipping tables and fingers, nor does one set fire to the place and roast marshmallows, as always seemed a good idea on those baddest of the bad days.

No, one melts into a gooey pile of butterflies and kewpie dolls. Saccharinely, nauseatingly fond of everything about one’s job and workplace. It’s surprising, and mildly embarrassing.

The unemployed haven’t fully accepted that they’re not going back to work. I found myself last night emptying the dirty laundry out of my pannier and the dirty tupperware out of my lunch bag, and then resetting it all, as if I’d be packing a fresh uniform and fresh food for the next shift. My subconscious still expects a steady paycheck, apparently.

The unemployed sleep like the dead, for ten hours straight. It’s shockingly true. I missed one of the few yoga classes I have left with my favorite teacher this morning because my bed ate me. The mattress opened up like a giant mouth last night and treated me like Jonah. It didn’t spit me out until damn near lunch time today, as I discovered once I’d pried the pillow off the side of my head and made sense of the hieroglyphics on my silent alarm clock.

But apparently my body was making up for the chronic sleep deprivation so familiar to those working long, strange shifts. EMSers, as I’ve mentioned in passing, maintain a convoluted and frequently contentious relationship with sleep (really, if this were any other relationship, you, as our friend, would tell us to DTMFA. And you’d be right.). So it’s significant that, after such a sleep binge, I don’t feel like something you’d find on the bottom of your shoe after venturing, out of sheer desperation, into a sketchy gas station bathroom. Oversleeping usually renders me useless the next day–useless, cranky, and gross-feeling. Sleep-hungover, if you will. And sleep hangovers are just as bad as the regular kind of hangover, just without the extra bottles in the recycling. But today I didn’t have one. I must have needed that sleep more than I knew.

The unemployed get to read over breakfast, listen to lots of music, and get around to the laundry only when they feel like it.

The unemployed hang out with their dogs, blog without feeling like they’re on a deadline, and eat the steel-cut oats for breakfast instead of the rolled because they have plenty of time to cook them right.

The unemployed can ignore to-do lists for today.

The unemployed watch hummingbirds for twenty minutes solid, not doing anything else.

I could get used to this. You know, if I were independently wealthy or sugar baby to a distinguished and discerning older gentleman who didn’t mind the boyfriend and the fact that I’m too busy backpacking to spend time with him.

Today’s unemployment song:

The Long Goodbye

There are two main explanations for my being scarce around these pages recently. One, it’s been too hot to think. Do not discount the significance and the validity of this statement. The evaporative cooler is a beautiful thing when the desert behaves like a desert, hot and leather-dry. When it behaves more like a dusty swamp, those lovely west-facing windows and heat-absorbing adobe quickly turn your house into a sauna. Brains don’t work well in saunas–or mine doesn’t, at any rate. I’m sure there’s some scientific explanation for that somewhere.

And two, in these final weeks, we’ve been scrambling to tick items off our “things to do before we leave NM” list. It’s been a bittersweet exercise, each amusement reminding me we’re that much closer to leaving this place for good. This makes me rather terminally distracted (“This is your brain. This is your brain on moving. Any questions?”).

But the weather finally broke here in the high desert, and every living thing around is sighing at the reprieve. We rode our bikes in the rain on Thursday night, squinting against the drops and whooping like little kids. Today I turned the fans off for the first time in weeks, and the quiet in my house is downright expansive. Except for the occasional passing car, it’s strangely still. The cool, gray day adds to that stillness, and I feel more like I’m relaxing in my house, and less like I’m just hiding from the hot, mad city outside.

This is weather that calls for reflection, for sitting quietly. I haven’t even turned on music today, out of deference to this quiet. Today I’m thinking about leaving. The move date is now so close that we’re starting to notice all the little lasts that are accumulating–the last time we’ll eat at this restaurant, the last time we’ll see this band play, the last time we’ll hike this trail.

This goodbye is both a process and an event. I have, in many ways, been saying goodbye to this city all along. I never intended to live here for so long, and I never expected to love it like I do. Very little has gone according to plan over the last decade, but it’s somehow all turned out better than I’d imagined. A life philosophy, that: plan the best you can, but leave room for revision by someone or something bigger and wiser than you.

In the coming weeks, when the packing starts in earnest, I might be here less than I’d like. I’m trying to train myself to make writing another refuge–but usually I default to the hammock or a nap. Old habits, and all that.

In every goodbye, there is another hello. In this, a goodbye to the place that has shaped my adulthood, and a hello to what I plan to do with it. The words will be there once my brain gets un-addled by heat and by moving trucks, and my plans for them are desert-wide.

One more of those little goodbyes:

Status check

I started this blog with vague intent. It was about accountability–having an audience, however modest, who might expect a semi-regular output. It was about having an internet home for published work–an electronic sampler to offer any discriminating editor who might consider paying me to string words together. It was also about knocking the dust off my fingers and getting back into practice, in preparation for something bigger–a book, an actual freelance career, or just a larger and more meaningful role for writing in my own life.

Eight months into this venture now, it’s becoming evident that each of these goals requires that I do more work than just daydream elaborate fantasies about bylines and sunlight-filled home offices. There’s some re-prioritizing, some nose-to-the-grindstone-ing, some reconfiguring to be done. Pick the sports movie metaphor of your choosing–I’m Rocky, running those stairs, getting in shape for the big event, sweating in solitude to an earnest motivational soundtrack. Pick a tired cliché about how lonely and difficulty and thankless it is to be true to one’s art. Pick a fight about artistry versus craft. There’s all of that here, and more.

I’m working on ways to retool the blog here to better reflect its intent, but I don’t yet have a clue what will come of that effort. I’m actually studying now, treating my work here as work, and retiring any lingering quaint notions about writing only when blindingly, irresistibly, passionately possessed by the Muse. And perhaps hardest of all, I’m deciding what to lay aside so all this can be done.

I’m not good at letting things go. It’s not giving up, but it feels that way. Better to focus on what I’m saying yes to–this work that I’ve had in me for so long–rather than what has to take a back seat to that Yes.

This morning, I saw a bird building a nest inside a crosswalk signal, diligently threading its body through a small hole on the underside of the plastic housing, beak closed tightly around bits of dry grass. Likely work in an unlikely place. I don’t know what it means–likely nothing–but it made me smile.

Enter sleep mode

A timely little article in the most recent National Geographic sagely warns me that my work/sleep patterns over the last several days have had essentially the same effect on my brain that several shots of whiskey in rapid succession would have…

Not wishing to head down the dark and twisted path of drunk blogging just yet, I just wanted to let you know, gentle reader, that I’m working on sobering up–so to speak–and will return shortly.

Meantime, amuse yourself thusly. It’s an oldie, but a goody–and showcases why my little friend Tiger is one of the cutest muppets in the world.