Untroubled waters

There’s a scene in the BBC’s snarky, engaging Sherlock in which Holmes lays out his aversion to knowing any facts that aren’t immediately applicable to his daily life or the work at hand. His theory is that any unnecessary information is simply brain-clutter, occupying neurons that could otherwise be put to more useful employ–and anyone familiar with the Sherlock Holmes canon knows that he does indeed put his grey matter to impressive use. One might do well to heed advice from such a fellow.

It’s a idea that’s not wholly without merit, particularly on those days when I can remember pop songs I’d just as soon forget, but can’t for the life of me recall where I put my keys. But, in all seriousness, I think he’s got it wrong.

While our brains are not at all good at multitasking (seriously, people: fiddle with your phone after you get out of the car), they are capable of retaining prodigious amounts of information. Contrary to what Sherlock says, remembering stuff isn’t our problem. Accessing what we’ve remembered, however, is another thing entirely.

Think of your brain as a stream. Its bed–its foundation, what gives it structure and direction–is composed of data points large and small. Some memories are boulders: enduring, immoveable, solid. Others are pebbles, tumbled in the current, or smooth rocks scooped up by the handful for skipping. The rest are fine particles of silt, still there, but small enough that their very order and placement can be changed by a wader’s footprints or the sweep of a trout’s tail. There’s a lot down there. And over it all runs a continuous flow of activity–the chattering stream of grocery lists, commercial jingles, obligations, worries, regrets, private celebrations, trivia, funny jokes, half-digested stories, and unresolved conflicts that swim, constantly, just this side of our conscious awareness.

The Sherlocks of the world would excavate the stream bed and filter the water, seeking to discard anything unessential, creating more elbow room for the important stuff. Let’s forget, for a moment, that we probably aren’t always the best judges of what’s important and what’s not. One never knows (as Mr. Holmes himself learns) when a seemingly inconsequential piece of information may come in handy. But, more importantly, there’s a simpler way.

click for image source

If the rocks and sand of our memories–the very substance of what we know–are what we reliably need to be able to reach and make sense of, and if, as we know, our stream bed has near-infinite capacity to hold knowledge-stones, then it doesn’t matter how many of them are down there. What matters is whether or not we can see what’s there to reach in and touch the right one.

Crowding the creek shouldn’t concern us; turbulence should.

The more churned up that water gets, the harder it is to see through it, and the more it monkeys around, pushing pebbles downstream, stirring up silt, disturbing even the boulders. Suddenly, it’s noisy, you can’t see, things aren’t where you thought they were, and it even gets a little dangerous to wade out into your own mind.

Sound familiar?

Stillness is becoming, for me, a kind of synonym for clarity–or, more specifically, for that state which most likely contains the potential for clarity. It’s what draws me to the yoga mat and the meditation cushion; it’s also what I get from writing, or a long hike, or fully immersing myself in a task. Because stillness isn’t necessarily about achieving a blank state, an empty mind–it’s about that calm that comes with focusing one’s energy and will in one direction, rather than the usual scattershot, thousand-thoughts-a-second energy most of us carry around most of the time. Bliss, I’m thinking, isn’t a wordless, thought-less, state of vague good vibes: rather, it’s the High Def version of reality, a sharp-focus, crystal-clear stream you can dive right into.

The hump

I love early mornings–the first bird songs, the empty streets, the stillness settled over everything. The slow way a sunrise reveals itself, and how you won’t know until it’s over if it’s more spectacular that yesterday’s. Savoring a cup of coffee on the couch or the porch or sitting in the dirt by a tent. Letting the day come to you, and not the other way around. There’s gentleness, and a sense of space, to this time.

Over the years, I’ve had ample experience with the peri-dawn hours. In high school, I used to get up before six and start the coffee–and sometimes fall back asleep on the couch while the water heated. I’ve worked the open shift at a coffeeshop, flipping the sign and unlocking the doors while streetlights still burned over grey sidewalks. Last year, I woke regularly at 3:15 and set out on my bike around 4, to clock in before 5, eyes still blurry with short rest.

Any time I’ve slept outside–in deep green forests, on bone-white sand dunes, atop creaking lake ice, beside a softly lapping bay–my eyes open far earlier than they would in a bed, with a job dictating the alarm’s ring. This is when early mornings are at their finest, when I remember how much I love this time. Because here’s the rub: I love to be awake at dawn, welcoming the day. But I hate getting out of bed to do it.

Partly it’s my ever-complicated relationship with sleep: so easily disturbed by stress, so manipulated and manhandled over the years by night shifts and swing shifts and twenty-four-hour shifts. Partly it’s health and environmental concerns that we all (should) share: disrupted endocrine function, food sensitivities, artificial lighting. Partly it’s I could almost always use more meditation and more exercise than I give myself. In any case, being up is (usually) fabulous. Getting up is (frequently) hellacious.

The time between deciding I must get up (must, because we’re talking those less ideal, not camping, gotta go to work mornings) and being on my feet beside the bed is the hump. It’s the obstacle to be overcome, the unpleasant middle business stuck between two otherwise wholly enjoyable states: sleep and awake. Some days, it’s small. I just lift a foot and step right over it. Some days, I have to rig up something of a figurative haul system, and get some mechanical advantage on that sucker if I have any hope of seeing the other side.

Sometimes you hump the hump, and sometimes it humps you.

The hump makes appearances elsewhere in life, as well–and it’s just as despised. (Or welcome, I mean–or am probably supposed to mean. As a teaching tool, see? Something profound the universe has noticed I must learn in my quest toward enlightenment being less of an a-hole. Or some such. Mostly it’s a pain, and I’ll willfully engage in a little targeted aversion where the hump is concerned.)

The hump makes a regular appearance here. You’ll notice it as those gaps between posts, some longer, some shorter. It happens. All writers are acquainted with it in some fashion. Some will see the hump in the form of good, old-fashioned writer’s block. Others of us get a different version. It’s ironic, but the thing we love doing, the thing we’re good at doing, the thing we do as much to share something with other people as we do for the deep satisfaction it brings us, can be the last thing in the world we might want to do on any given day.

But there’s this: the hump is a hump. One side goes up (sometimes way, way up), but the other side goes down. You can pick up some serious speed on that descent. Just as, some mornings, I may need a pry bar to get out of bed, but then find that I’m bright of eye and bushy of tail even before the coffee’s hot, so it is with writing. Some days, words are the last thing I want to stick my hands into. I avoid the desk, the computer, pen and paper. But, with an effort of will (and not a little internal guilt-tripping), I tackle the hump. And then (oh then), we’re rocketing downhill and away into something wonderful. Or not, but at least we’re not climbing anymore.

It’s not exactly scientific, and I can’t vouch for our quality controls around here, but I did take a core sample of the hump not too long ago. Turns out, it’s a garbage heap in disguise. Everything you don’t want, or thought you’d gotten rid of (but were really just pretending not to see), is in there. It’s mostly fear, wearing all its clever masks: self-flagellation, disappointment, insecurity, unanswered grief, anxiety, frustration, anger, all those shoulds. So I have a theory: reduce my garbage output; trim the hump. Process the crap that’s already on the heap (reuse, recycle?), and level that thing out. Making it easier on oneself isn’t always coddling–sometimes, it’s just plain common sense.

I have some other theories, too, about how perspective might be the only thing that really matters. We’ll talk more about that soon. But for now, it’s enough to know that the right perspective–seeing clearly what we’re dealing with between page and words, sleep and wake–is likely the key to a humpless existence. And I suspect that might be every bit as nice as it sounds.

What I do

You’re at a dinner party, say. Or you’ve stopped at the park while walking your dogs, or you’re warming a stool down at the pub. Whatever the situation, you’ve just met someone new, and you’re doing the polite chat, get-to-know-you thing. In the top three openers, you’ll be asked, “So, what do you do?” (The other two, if you’re a woman in a Southern town known for its transient and transplanted populace, are some version of, “Where are you from?” and “Are you married?”)

What do you do?

This question, of course, isn’t asking what you did earlier today, or what you did on your summer vacation, or what you like to do. It’s asking what part of yourself–your time, your skills, your knowledge, your sanity–you exchange for money. What of you is for sale–and, in turn, what sort of lifestyle you can buy for yourself.

Your answer to this question can get complicated, fast–particularly if your answer isn’t what’s expected of you, or if what you do for a living doesn’t put you in the same income or prestige categories as those doing the asking. Too high or too low (an investment banker in a room full of taxi drivers, or vice versa), and there’s instant tension. The conversation, from that point on, is going to take some rescuing.

Likewise, if you’re smarter than your current profession, if you haven’t lived up to your potential, it gets weird–doubly so if you’re among peers who have made something of themselves. I think this is why high school and college reunions can be so intimidating for so many people–the pressure to conform is ceaseless and irresistible, and it can be a shock to see how you do or don’t measure up to your erstwhile friends.

What do you do? crystallizes a very specific American anxiety–about wealth, standing, worth–and it’s never a neutral question.

For six years now, I’ve had an answer that seems to impress most people, even if they don’t precisely know what an EMT or a Paramedic really does. It’s a job title that communicates a certain amount of education and membership in a specialized group with specialized skills. They make TV shows about what I do (with varying degrees of accuracy, natch). People usually assume I make far more money than I do, and that my work is more glamorous than it actually is. In short, I sound great on paper.

And so it’s a bit of an ego trip for me to be (slowly, gradually) leaving the profession–especially since (in the short term, anyway) that process involves taking a decidedly less prestigious job.

Funny thing, though: it’s not that strange at all. It helps that the particulars of job market and professional culture in my new home are in alignment with my decision–there simply aren’t any agencies in the area that I want to sell my time and skills and knowledge and sanity to. If I were still at my old service–with all its flaws, still a good place to work–I don’t think it would be so easy to walk away. But here, now, it makes sense. And it’s been far easier than I would have expected to begin surrendering this title, and all the ego and attachment and identity that comes with it.

It’s all in the timing.

It’s also all in what you value.

Conventional wisdom would have me erect a wall between work and life. Don’t bring your work home is considered sound advice for anyone. An entire market has developed for products and services designed to help people achieve and maintain a work/life balance.

Work/life balance? Screw that. Can I just get a life/life balance? Better still, how ’bout just a life?

You sell yourself to someone else for forty or more hours each week–and that’s not counting the time that you spend getting ready to go to work and the time you spend winding down or recovering after work, and maybe even the time you spend thinking about (or dreading) work. That’s an awful lot of time to segregate from your supposed “real” life.

I’m kind of over it.

So, what do I do? The answer is still this: I’m a Paramedic. But it’s also this: I also work in a little neighborhood bakery. And for a much-loved tailgate market. Yes, these both represent pay cuts; but they also represent time on the clock that puts me in touch with people and places and a general vibe that means more to me–which makes them of even higher overall value, dollar amounts be damned. I come home smiling, and with enough time and energy to putter around the house, which is damn near priceless.

What do I do? If the business plan (once it’s done–my goodness that’s a massive undertaking) objectively makes sense, one day soon-ish, the answer will be, “I own a little restaurant.” And that’s when the last wall will have fallen between work and life. I’ll be working side by side with my partner/pseudohusband/Man Friend, supporting local growers with our purchases, sustaining our neighbors with our products, growing our community with our space, answering to no one’s standards but our own, and never clocking in or out. Life/work. Life/life. Just life. Simplify, simplify, simplify.

What do I do? I try to do what is right, what serves me, what serves my community, what makes me smile and helps me sleep at night. It doesn’t have just one job description or title. It may or may not come with business cards or letters after your name. I hope you’re doing it now, or getting yourself to that point. I am. That’s a long answer to a short question, but it’s a good one.

I’m the only one who thinks I’m funny

Summer’s ward

Sweat carves a path across my ribs
invades the field of my stomach
marching with an ant’s prickling feet.

Hands full of laundry, clutching
clothespins the color of old barns
arms exalting the line drawn between two trees
I wait for a bite that never comes.

At my waistband the advancing drop
retreats into the cover of woven cotton
disappears into a darker shadow of itself.

Mosquitoes claim territory
erecting mounds at back
of knee and crest of ankle.
Redoubts built of saliva and histamine
red and worried and
forgotten before they even fade.

Trails of tiny blisters mark
the pale belly of my wrist,
pointillist lashes wander among the
fine hairs of my hands.
Vines wilt in the bottom of the trash bin
while blushing root ends plot sure revenge.

The squash plant has boundary issues.

Spearmint in a clay pot probes
tiny white fingers through drain holes
feeling for new ground to colonize.

The light changes.
Fireflies
circumscribe the yard,
their drawn borders a brief flare
first here
now there.

Beyond the fence
the understory
is a black wall.

Cicadas rattle bone castanets
and do not wait for a response.

Trust issues

Let me take you on a bit of a ramble:

We’ll start with plants. On my ride to work, there’s a stretch of road with no shoulder. Just a hair past the white line, the asphalt ends, and a steep bank climbs up for thirty or forty feet, eventually leveling out where Interstate 40 passes overhead. In hilly terrain, this isn’t unusual–roads here are carved out of ridges, blasted through mountains, trenched between wooded slopes. The “shoulder” is forever trying to reclaim the paved-over territory, reaching out with branch and vine and shoot. Fleets of blades are sent forth every day to mow, trim, clip, and saw all this lushness back from signposts and guardrails. The work must seem neverending, and I imagine it’s easy to adopt a win at all costs attitude toward all that relentless vegetation.

About two weeks ago, on this same stretch of road, I noticed something different about the wall of green off my right elbow. Seven or eight feet up, a distinct, horizontal line had appeared. Everything above it was still an insistent emerald facade, leaves overlapping like tight shingles, the bank behind invisible. Everything below–the lower half of small locust trees, mostly–was yellow going to brown, three months too soon.

I don’t know what they sprayed, or when they sprayed it. I don’t know if I breathed it in some damp morning, spread it a little farther down the road on my tires, or picked up a film of it on my arms, my legs, my clothes. I do know it ended up in the river, because everywhere is a watershed. I do know that I generally don’t believe them when they tell me something that kills so effectively, so indiscriminantly, is safe and not to worry my pretty little head about it.

Consider:

Persistent Herbicides in Compost

“Environmentally-Friendly” Herbicide Isn’t

Higher than expected rates of herbicide volatilization

Monsanto creates yet another monster

How a “safe” herbicide still kills frogs and bees

I could go on.

But it only makes me feel both full of rage and completely helpless (much like when I watched Gasland a few weeks ago–a movie you should see, too, despite the yucky feelings it will engender), and that’s not a pleasant sensation.

Here’s what I’m having a hard time with: I take it as a given that shady doings are in progress every day–shady doings that endanger your health and mine, all for the sake of lining a few select pockets. Shady doings that the masses participate in and accept as normal (eg: using nasty chemicals to clean, deweed, and impart a “fresh” scent to their home and yard; using a car to travel less than two miles; eating factory-farmed, highly processed “food” because it’s cheaper on the front end; and so on) because that’s the end result of effective spin. Shady doings that are becoming more firmly entrenched and exempt from legal oversight.

I know this happens, and it probably happens even more than I suspect, even on my most paranoid, cynical, angry, depressed days. I know it, but I’m still surprised to see it. Maybe some part of my brain is still trying to hold on to the notion that people are inherently good, and that’s the part that registers surprise. Maybe, as an act of self-preservation, I’m practicing some sort of unconscious, selective amnesia, so that I forget the rampant bad stuff until it appears again.

Whatever the case, I’m not sure which is worse: my impotent rage in the face of injustice, or my naive wounding every time I’m reminded of something I already know. Either way, I feel like a cranky kid, wanting to scream and smash things until somebody makes it better.

I don’t want to be a cranky kid. I grew up for a reason, right?

(Right?)

But all this paranoia only breeds more paranoia. And paranoia, I’ve decided, has roughly the consistency of creamy peanut butter. A little bit is compelling. Too much, and it sticks to the roof of your mouth. More than that, you slowly lose the ability to chew at all. Your jaw is paralyzed; your airway blocked with nutty brown goo. Then you choke and die.

Here’s a sequence of events for you:
1. Notice liberal application of herbicide on roadway, presumably by city or other government entity. 2. Recall the raspberries along the greenway are just ripening, and that you planned to pick some this week. 3. Remember who owns the greenway. 4. And what sort of landscape maintenance methods they prefer. 5. Decide the raspberries have probably been poisoned. 6. But, raspberries! 7. Consider risking it. You can wash them, right? Maybe not. 8. Recall everything you’ve ever read about persistent environmental toxins. 9. Which reminds you that modern life is, by its very nature and despite your best efforts to avoid it, toxic. 10. Fill with rage; weep in despair. 11. Overthink it until the gears in your brainbox seize up and begin to smoke. 12. Choke, die. (And still no raspberries.)

I have to admit that this sequence of events–or something very like it, minus the death part–happens inside my head more often than is probably healthy.

Something happens when a thinking person confronts the world as it is. If the thinking person has been going to yoga class regularly, reading Pema Chodron, and can maintain at least arms’ distance during this confrontation, she can cling to some scrap of something that might pass for compassion or simple, neutral open-heartedness. But without all that (and let me tell you, my schedule hasn’t allowed for yoga class lately), she just thinks. And thinks some more. And I’ve not found that thinking gets one to anyplace warm or fuzzy. Thinking, analyzing, stripping and ordering facts, in fact, paints a fairly dismal picture of the way things are.

Maybe I’m genetically encoded for a tendency toward pessimism. Maybe it’s simple cognitive bias. Maybe I’m just right (boy, I hope not). But I can’t recall the last time my brain was overwhelmed with a snowballing, steamrolling, relentless mass of good observations about the world. They come, but they come in ones or twos–quite easy to get down without the too-much-peanut-butter effect.

But I suppose there’s this: even in smaller quantities, the good stuff is a pretty effective antidote to the seized, smoking brain-gears. You have to go looking for them, or at least make sure your eyes are open and ready to see them when they pass your way, but they’re there. Despite it all.

A short list from the last 24 hours:
Last night’s fireflies. (Every night’s fireflies.)
The farmer’s market bouquet on my desk.
Lemon cucumbers on a vine I grew from seed.
The good book I just finished, sitting on the coffee table.
Cold sparkling water after a few hot hours weeding.
A kiss from my fella.
Hearing from an old friend.
Stories about people in boats motoring toward gunfire, trying to help.
This photo of two women, married at last.

Mistrust–that general, world-as-a-shitty-place feeling–is a choice. Distrust–of Big Ag, of politicians, of the guy who used to live two doors down who never had his aggressive dog on a leash–is specific, and earned. A subtle difference, but important. It’s easy to conflate the two, and the byproduct of their unholy mating is paranoia-nut-butter. (Choke, die.) That gets us nowhere.

Keep the dis- alive–it is the fuel for action that change requires. What I’m working on is reining in the mis-, which feeds on the vague, stubborn negativity spilling into me from headlines, talk radio, internet forums, and watercooler bitching. I’m countering it with a little pure, prefix-free trust, gleaned from my short list.

It helps.

Baby, it’s hot outside

It’s hot. You’ve probably noticed. While I wilt and the dogs lie directly in front of the big box fan, my eggplant luxuriates in it. Its black container soaks up the heat, and its fruits seem to double in size from one day to the next. Everything else in our patio garden droops by mid-afternoon, watered or not. I’ve actually turned the air conditioner on in the afternoon, for three days in a row now, if only to avoid heat stroke in the kitchen.

The upshot to this weather, when it’s 80 degrees and muggy inside the house, even with the AC on? I have absolutely no worries about my bread rising.

Not the most comfortable baking weather, this. I’d rather subsist on salads, watermelon, and berries. But we’ve got some R&D to get through (there’s a hint, if ever there was one), and the smell of rising dough makes up for some of the discomfort.

I picked up this week’s CSA vegetables, and I am happy to report that I cleaned Tom out of the season’s first fresh okra. (I’d apologize to anyone who came after me looking for some, but, truth be told, I’m really not sorry about it.) Summertime eating, as I keep saying, is a damn-near magical thing. Just the color of the produce on my kitchen counter is a feast by itself; nevermind the fact that it’s all so flavorful it’s best eaten naked (the veggies, not you–although, who am I to judge, in this heat?).

Even the dogs are in on it: this afternoon, while I was hanging clothes on the line, I caught our smaller dog threading his way between garden containers with a suspicious look about him. He trotted out from under a plant, dropped his score on the deck, gave it a curious lick, then bit down. Tomato seeds sprayed in every direction. He looked wholly satisfied. And another garden thief enthusiast is born.

I hope you’re eating a fresh tomato tonight, or savory squash, sweet-tart berries, crisp cucumbers. If you’re lucky enough to find some sorrel, eat it like this, without delay. That dish has become a weekly indulgence for us, and we’ll keep it up as long as the sorrel holds out.

Whatever you’re having, take a moment to listen over the air conditioner and the fans and cracking of the ice in your glass to the cicadas, when they really get going. Better yet, listen for the birds tonight, once it gets about as cool out there as it’s going to get. There’s music, even when nothing else about the day makes you smile.

Not work/life, just life/life

On an Asheville Pedal Punks ride last week, I had a short conversation with some other riders about our history with bicycles. Most agreed that our rides–rambling through neighborhoods, just fast enough to be taxing but slow enough to stay fun–reminded them of being a kid on a bike, roaming until dark.

I don’t have those memories. Our closest neighbors were my grandmother–who lived, quite literally, over the river (okay, stream) and through the woods–and a couple of farmers on their own considerable pieces of land, out of sight of our house. Our road was rutted dirt and rock; the closest highway was narrow, winding, and fast.

At the Asheville on Bikes Summer Cycle, I watched an absolutely fearless little girl on a pink mountain bike bomb down hilly roads, doing tricks with her feet on her top tube and her skirt flapping in the wind. I had a momentary pang, wishing someone had thrust a bike into my hands before kindergarten and showed me how to navigate the terrain I was given–though mountain biking was still in its infancy in the early 80′s, and nigh unheard-of in rural Appalachia. Of course, if I were now that girl all grown up, I’d probably not be sitting here on a muggy Sunday morning; I’d be out riding. But its never too late: my own mountain bike has been relieved of its commuter duties and is again sporting fat tires. It’ll get its first spin on a bunny trail sometime soon.

If you grew up in a neighborhood, with sidewalks and paved roads, you might not realize that some of your most treasured childhood possessions were out of the question for us country kids. I went through a period where I lusted after skateboards. I wanted to zoom around on my two feet, going over sweet jumps and doing tricks. But skateboards don’t get far on gravel and grass–even our Big Wheels were stymied by the ground beneath them.

And there other differences: for a rural kid, trips to the store can seem like adventures–particularly once-monthly trips to the “real” grocery stores across the mountain, in the city. The sheer size of the place! The lights! The multiple registers! The parking lots! The shopping cart corrals! The McDonald’s next door! Talk about excitement. I don’t know what it’s like now, when even my little home town has internet and cell phones (though still no stop light). Plenty of families drive across that mountain daily, for work or for school or just because. As we get older, time draws in; the years go by faster and faster. Maybe, too, with distance–what once felt a little like a trip to the moon could very well be a regular commute now.

But even with all that shrinkage, one thing hasn’t changed: my mailbox is still just a little bit magical. Growing up the way I did, mail order was a totally normal, commonplace way to get stuff. We weren’t really mall people, and, besides, the mall was too damn far away anyhow. Not to mention that JC Penney catalogs lived several lives as sources of entertainment: after the window shopping was done, out came the scissors for the crafting. And then, of course, there are the pretty colors that glossy, full-color catalog pages made in the fire…

I don’t do much shopping, and I’ve gotten myself taken off most mailing lists to save the paper, but I do love it when the Lehman’s catalog shows up in the mail. Where the kid me once looked at the matched outfits and shiny gadgets on those catalog pages and imagined having just such a coordinated, grown-up life for myself one day, the grown-up me now looks at pages of canning supplies and hand-cranked coffee mills and old-timey farm tools and has the same pang of desire. I could cancel the Lehman’s catalog, too–they may sell an Amish-inspired lifestyle, but they do have a website–but I still love the feel of the paper in my hands, and the surprise when it shows up in the mailbox. Part of the world out there comes to me, unbidden but welcome, and reminds me about where we want to go with our own lives.

In that vein, we’ve given the postman a bit of a workout lately. I mentioned change was afoot around here. It is, and it’s pretty big. We’re doing quite a bit of research and planning, and we’ve exhausted the local resources (one of our few rules for good living: spend the money locally first, always) and have turned to the big name book merchants. A box of seven volumes spent a rainy afternoon on our front porch Friday, but the books inside were none the worse for it. We’re devouring information, dog-earing pages, taking notes, and planning, planning, planning. The end result will be a blurring of the line between work and life, something that conventional wisdom deems a Bad Idea.

I’ve become less and less confident in the wisdom of the conventional, myself.

As I was born with a blue collar, work is something that will always be a part of my life. It may be inside or outside my home, for myself or for another boss, for a paycheck or for something that more directly sustains me, but it will always be there. Shouldn’t it follow, then, that I’d be better off with work that aligns with my values and interests, that does more closely resemble my “real” life? I’ve had those jobs that I walled off like a contaminated site, kept separate from the rest of my life. You’ve probably had them too–the jobs we hated, the jobs that were in constant danger of contaminating the rest of our life with their stresses, their irritations, their ennui.

That wall is a bummer. That wall is a symbol of the fact that part of you is in a state of constant rejection of another part of you. That’s not a good way to live. Better to find work that doesn’t require the wall to be erected in the first place. I’m not talking a dream job, necessarily–I’m talking about a dream life, when taken as a whole. The work might not be perfect, and it might not make you rich, but if there’s something about it that lets that wall come down, it’s good work. Life should have an open floor plan, so the sunlight can reach every nook of it.

I won’t lie about my trepidation here: what we’re planning involves a leap of faith off a rather tall cliff, and so I’m inclined to be stingy with details, at least for a little while. I’m not being coy; I just don’t want to scare this new future away with too much talk. But I can already tell you that the work of this work–the effort that’s going into building the foundation, into getting started–is already more fun than many of the things I’ve done for a paycheck. And that’s a fantastic sign.

Dilemma

Do I eat the blossoms, or wait for squash?

Or just sit back and admire that golden sunlight at play?

June afternoon

I gave up riding my bike for a good cause, but just on Saturdays. Not (yet?) owning a cargo bike (and probably not yet having the legs to propel a fully loaded one up some of these hills), setting up a bike corral at the tailgate market means burning a little gas to haul the racks to and fro. It’s a worthy trade-off, I think. We’re encouraging market shoppers to turn a pedal instead of turning a key to get to us, by offering secure, shady, front-row parking, with free advice and help loading to boot. Today was our first corral, and–as on every other Saturday when I think I’d rather sleep in than be at the market–the work of the morning put a smile on my face. (How many of us can say that about whatever it is we do for a paycheck?)

Probably my favorite sight of the day was the beautiful red tandem bicycle, its two riders pulling away from the corral with pebbly cabbage heads and a bouquet of jaunty sunflowers peeping out of the tops of their panniers.

I came home and fell to impromptu chores. The sight of a shaggy yard might dismay some; for me it’s satisfying–we have grass where once was a bare, mudpit-waiting-to-happen, and that means just a little less mess transferred from yard to house (cleaning isn’t high on my list of Fun Ways To Spend My Time). Our lawn maintenance tools are delightfully simple: a lightweight reel mower and a grass whip. A few minutes around the yard with those two tools, and we’ve got a neatly trimmed lawn and plenty of time left to keep weeding (if only that were as fun!).

The reel mower sounds like a small chamber orchestra of sturdy scissors, snicking away. It doesn’t throw rocks, belch fumes, or need to be winterized. A person having a passing familiarity with tools can perform what little maintenance it needs. It is elegant in its simplicity and functionality–two of my most favorite things. The grass whip needs only the occasional sharpening, and its employ brings back childhood memories of stick swords and tall weedy foes in a green meadow. A good way to pass an afternoon then; still a good way now.

I’m about to go sit in my freshly shorn grass and wait for the first fireflies to wink on. I have a plate full of summer squash, kissed with butter, and some leftover mujadara. Yesterday it was tomatoes and mujadara, but they were too good to keep, and I ate them all. I’m not sure I was entirely in control of all my faculties. A late June tomato, ripe from the vine, is a powerful thing. It’s so good, we pine for it in January, and buy those mushy, red orbs in the produce section, in the vain hope of recapturing some of that summer savor. Then June comes back around again, and we come briefly to our senses. Tomato-bewitchment. People write songs about it.

Good, simple tools, and good, simple eats. I don’t ask much of June, and I love what she gives.

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